Thursday, March 7, 2013

My blogging career is going to end soon!

I received an e-mail today and the Subject line read:


I thought, "Oh crap, what did I do now?"  Then I thought, "Since I'll be arrested soon, I won't be blogging ever again."  Do you think they allow blogging in prison?  I'm sure that would be a hotbed for blog topics.

Maybe you'd like to take a look at the FBI's e-mail.  That way, you'll know what happened to me.  It's sort of a long read but stick with me.  I may need character witnesses at my trial.

To enhance your reading pleasure (is that even possible?), check out what I bolded and my notes (in red).  I found just a couple of a zillion errors that I thought were a bit funny.  I didn't note every error, just the craziest dumbest silliest ones that appealed to me.  Don't get me wrong, I make plenty of error when I'm writing.  They just aren't quite this idiotic.  I'm not critiquing any spelling though.  I suck at spelling so I can't pick on anyone else for the same.

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C
. I think the FBI would capitalize their own acronym.  No

Attention, this is the final warning you are going to receive from me do you get me?  "Do you get me?"  Who says that in an 'official' letter?

I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you?.  If they meant "you are" they forgot an apostrophe.  And whoops!  Correct punctuation is essential when writing a letter don't you think?  A question mark would have been sufficient at the end of that sentence.  The period is overdoing it.

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any private organization.  Holy shit!  I had to bold the entire paragraph.  There is just too much going on here.  Can you say "run on sentences?"  How about that punctuation?  The Mayor of my city can't access my bank accounts either.  FBI isn't capitalized at all (not even the F or the B as before).

Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to insetyou in their website as an internet fraudsters* and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the certificate signed, endorsed and stamped as you where** instructed in the e-mail below.this*** is the federal bureau of investigation (fbi)^ am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us^^ and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given from the 3rd of January. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself^^^ at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated.

*The FBI seems to like to use plurals when not necessary.  I’m not a fraudsters. There’s only one of me, thank you very much.  Although, this blog could be a "fraud."
**They should have used "were" instead of "where."  Getting verbs versus places correct is critical.
***Punctuation (again!), spacing, and capitalization are sort of important.  No?
^I'm totally giving up on this capitalization of FBI error as of now.  It's just too exhausting.
^^Hmmm. . . Unless my cat is sending e-mails on my behalf that I'm unaware of, I have never sent an e-mail to the FBI.  Wait. . . You don't need opposable thumbs to turn on a laptop.  You technically don't need them to type either.  What is she doing while I'm at work?
^^^I won't blame myself since I didn't do anything illegal that they know of.  
Don't ask and I won't tell.

You failed to comply with our directives and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the fbi director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now if you id is placed on our website as a wanted person, i believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the fbi. As a good Christian and a honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the efcc and they directed me to a private attorney who could help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse, sign and stamp the document at the sum of $98.00 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.  So, I'm a 'wanted' person because I didn't know my name was used for some deal?  That seems a bit unusual doesn't it?  I'm starting to think something isn't quite right.

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd. There seems to be a problem with run on sentences today doesn't there? Lots of other issues here as well but I'm getting tired now.

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till 3/5/2013 so that you could get this process done because ilearnt that you were sent several e-mail without getting a response from you, please bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it has befall on you. Grammar! Please!

You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.
NAME: AKU DIMMA ADDRESS: LAGOS NIGERIA Nigeria? The FBI wants money in Nigeria? I know there are a lot of poor underprivileged people there. Will this help?
AMOUNT: $98 What? $98 and I'm a free woman? Cool!

Send the payment details to me which are senders name and address, mtcn number, text question and answer used and the amount sent. Make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 usd which was suppose to have been transferred to you all this while. Wait just one minute. I'm going to be arrested because I was supposed to GET money? That makes perfect sense doesn't it? I think I'm finally catching on here.

Note/ all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking* charges, so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched** THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. Now they are yelling at me in all caps! I. AM. NOT. SCARED.

*Where did THIS come from? Drugs too? I thought this was about money. The e-mail came from the "Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division." Do they do drugs too? HA!
**Am I BEING watched or have I BEEN watched? Does that black van that's been outside my house for months on end have anything to do with this? Where’s the period at the end of that sentence? I have soooo many questions!

ROBERT MUELLER Does Mr. Mueller not have a title? Special Agent maybe?
WASHINGTON DC That makes it official right?

Now that I understand that I need to send a mere $98 to the FBI to receive $10,500,000 I'm all for it!! I'll let you know what the first thing I buy with my millions is.

If you see any errors that 'appeal' to you, comment and point them out.  Let's all have an even bigger laugh!!

I guess my blogging career isn't quite over yet is it?

Friday, March 1, 2013

SOMEBODY had a great Valentine's Day!

Angry and I hung out at our local bar/grill for Valentine’s Day.  We don’t need anything fancy.  Our thought was, “Let’s go where the food's good, we are regulars, and we love the staff!”  So off we went.

Our bartender (we’ll call her “N” because the names of the innocent have to be changed) came over to us during the evening and said (while pointing to the other end of the bar), “I have to tell you something and I’ve been waiting for that guy to leave!”

Here’s how the conversation went:

Bartender N:  Did you see that guy over at the end of the bar with the “to go” order?

ME:  He was the one drinking wine right?

BN:  He had quite a few and was quite chatty.

Angry:  Did he proposition you?  Should I follow him and kick his ass? (That's why we call him Angry!)

BN:  No!  But . . . he asked me if you guys were a couple.

A (giggling):  Oh man, some guy’s giving googie eyes to my wife on Valentine’s Day.

BN:  I told him that yes, you were married.  And then he said to me, “Too bad because he's so yummy!”


We found it so funny because we had all assumed that he was looking at me.  Cripes, Angry was going to kick his ass for propositioning N.  And, even though he was giggling, he was wondering if some guy was "eyeing" me up on Valentine's Day.  Wrong answer!

ME:  What?  Not me?  ANGRY'S the yummy one?  That’s awesome!

A:  I don’t think I’ve ever been called yummy until today.  I have to admit that I’m quite flattered.

ME:  And I'm a bit jealous.

Ever since, I’ve been randomly saying “Yummy!” in a deep, male sounding voice during completely inappropriate times.  It’s fun!