Monday, June 20, 2011

The black hole bra!

Anyone that’s ever met me in person knows that I’m, to put it nicely, well endowed.

I’ve had many things fall right in my shirt and catch in my bra.  My "catches" include things like popcorn, earrings, french fries, and even a pen (that I had been holding in my mouth).  I shake my bra and the item will fall through the bottom of my shirt.

On Saturday at about 9:30 am (time frames will be important later), I was in a hurry to get to a jewelry class.  I had a headache and went to take some aspirin.  I realized that I hadn’t taken my blood pressure pill.  So, I grabbed four pills (three aspirins and the BP meds) and tossed them into my mouth.  I felt like I didn’t get all four in but didn’t see anything that fell on the floor or anything that got caught in my hair.

I went on my merry way the rest of the day (oh, I’m a poet!).  Jewelry class from 10 am to 1 pm.  Stopping to pick up Angry.  Grocery shopping.  A quick lunch at Sonic.  A stop at Target for household items.  A stop at the pet store for food and liter.  We were on the go all day, getting home around 4:30 pm.  At 6 pm, we left to go out to dinner.  Sometime during the evening, I (as usual) dropped a french fry that ended up in my bra.  I lifted the bottom of my shirt and shook my bra to get it out.  Into my hand fell the fry AND MY BLOOD PRESSURE PILL! 

I was right that I didn’t get all four pills into my mouth and was walking around with that damn pill in my bra for almost 12 hours.

Whoops!  I guess my bra is a black hole.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Bad vacation behavior!

As I mentioned before, we were recently in Mexico on vacation.  If you read this about a problem I had there you will, most likely, laugh at me.

I'm in the mood to be bitchy today so I'm going to comment on all the bad vacation behavior I usually see.

We stay in an all inclusive resort and have visited that same resort for five years in a row.  We love it there and have gotten to know some of the staff (who are great at remembering their returning guests).  We have always been treated with the utmost respect, friendliness, and humor that anyone could ever ask for.  While you are not required (and are actually discouraged) to tip at an all inclusive, we do.  We respect and enjoy the employees there and want to show our sincere appreciation for their hard work.  As a side note, we always tip in pesos.  No one should have to work long hours and then try to get to a bank and wait in line to exchange their tip money.

Now, on to the bitchiness!!!

Smoking in the pool.  Why, why, why would you hang out in the middle of the pool with a cigarette?  I don’t want to swim through your ashes!  Or, if you DO stay at the side of the pool, why do you leave your butt(s) on the concrete?  Gross!!  Get out to smoke and use an ashtray.  The pool ain’t going anywhere; it’ll be there when you’re done.

Eating in the pool.  What?  You can’t get out for a couple of minutes to hit the snack bar or outdoor restaurant to eat?  I don’t want to swim through your salsa or guacamole (although I’d take this over the cigarette ashes).  The snack bar and restaurant are about 5 and 50 feet from the pool.  Get out, get your food, and enjoy it the right way.  This year, the security guards told people they had to leave the pool to eat.  These guests got pissed and threw their food in the garbage while complaining very loudly.  Hey, it’s a rule.  Get over it. 

Making fun of the vendors.  You are in Mexico.  Beach vendors are licensed and pay taxes.  These people are selling goods to make a living to support themselves and their families.  Don’t diss them, especially when they are standing right next to you.  If you don’t like their wares (and some stuff is truly junk), politely say “No gracias” and let them move on.  If you ARE interested, treat them with respect while haggling for a good price. Also, please be fair and don’t try to pay $1 for an item that you’d buy at home for $25. 

Getting shit-faced drunk.  OK, I get it.  You can eat and drink as much as you’d like.  Is this a reason to get so drunk that you act like an ass and can’t walk back to your room without falling down?  Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying you can’t get a little “happy” with the alcohol.  But, don’t drink so damn much that you act like a jerk.  I’ve seen people calling guests and staff names, swearing very loudly, and actually looking to get into a fight.  Not cool.

Skipping other guests who are waiting to be served.  If I’m waiting at a busy bar or snack bar, do NOT run up to the bartender / server and order your dink or food before me.  I was here first and I was doing the right thing by allowing those that were there before me to place an order and get their stuff.  Get in line and wait like the rest of us, you ass!  Is common courtesy dead?  I guess so.

Treating the staff like crap.  You are RUDE when shout across the pool to the waitress, “Hey! I need a beer!”  They will get to you on their rounds.  How about asking (nicely) at that point?  You are RUDE when you say to the cook at the snack bar, “That’s all I get?”  It’s an all inclusive and you can go back for more.  You are RUDE when you say to the bartender, “You don’t have Corona?” with a whiny voice.  Mexicans don’t drink Corona because it’s a laughable beer.  Drink what they have and shut the hell up.  You are RUDE when you say, “Make sure you give me the good tequila.”  Your idea of good isn’t necessarily everyone else’s idea of good (or the bartender’s for that matter).  If you want a particular brand, ask for it (nicely).

Playing pool games like you are in the Olympics.  We are all on vacation, hanging out at the pool and drinking.  When the activities staff starts a volleyball, water polo, or basketball game, IT’S FOR FUN!  It doesn’t matter if your team wins or loses, it’s fun just the same.  I saw a guy this year who was a goalie during water polo.  The other team scored and he threw the ball so hard back to them that it hit a woman in the face and she thought he broke her nose.  She was fine but why did he do that?  Stupid is as stupid does.

Trying to Americanize the food.  You traveled to Mexico for your vacation but you don’t like Mexican food?  Don’t try to make the restaurants change their entire menu just for you.  We observed one 20-something guest ask if they had jalapeno poppers.  That’s not Mexican food!  The waiter didn’t even understand the explanation of this dish.  Fill a pepper with cheese and deep fry it?  No comprende!

Hanging out on your balcony in your underwear.  We can see you!  We don’t want to see you!  I realize that many bikinis cover less acreage.  But, if I can see your Fruit Of The Loom or Hanes logo, get back inside.  A pair of granny panties and a bra just aren’t that appealing.

Generally, the guests we encounter are great and super friendly.  We love to chat with them at the pool, the bars, and the restaurants.  But, it’s those few people that act badly who make me want to scratch their eyes out!  Be nice so you and I can enjoy our vacations.

Adios Amigos!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

More creepy things.

I've never been afraid of bugs or worms.  The only exception is the world famous centipede (actually, not afraid but creeped out).  If you haven't heard, here's my story about that.

We just got back from a vacation in Mexico.  I had a strange encounter there that has made me realize that I might be am turning into a wuss!  I AM afraid of crawly things.

While sitting on a lounge chair next to the pool, I put a foot down to get up and saw a crab looking up at me from the concrete.  I yanked my foot back up onto the chair and watched his every move.  I was so afraid that he'd climb up there and bite me with his pinchers.  He was only about 3 inches across but in my moment of fear, I estimated that he was about 3 FEET across! 

I watched as he scooted towards my beach bag and then was scared terrified that he crawled in there.  I finally picked it up and shook it to make sure it was safe (holding the corners with my fingertips like you'd pick up a dirty Kleenex).  I called out to Angry who was in the pool to see if he could spot the little bugger.  He confirmed that he was nowhere to be seen.

A day later, we were eating dinner at the outdoor restaurant.  Angry looked at me funny while shaking his foot and said, "Must be a bug crawling on me."  He looked down and said, "It's a crab!  Is that your crab?"  I looked over the side of the table and there was my friend nemesis from the pool!!

Evil. Pure evil. Those eyes say he wants to bite me!

I jerked my feet up from the ground and told Angry to “make him go away.”  Instead, he turned on the camera and started taking pictures!!  He actually followed him as he ran across the restaurant.  Mr. Crabby finally wedged himself between a chair leg and a wall and I felt safe enough to put my feet down and finish dinner.  Whew, disaster avoided!

Our waiter laughed and offered to catch and have him cooked for us to enjoy at dinner.  We declined the offer.  Everyone had a great laugh and I continued to make sure he was far away from my feet.

Why the fear?  I don’t have a clue.  But I can assure you that if that son of a bitch had been crawling on MY foot, I would have screamed the a little school girl and kicked my leg so hard that he would have landed in the next century.

Was he stalking me?  Why show up at the pool and then at dinner?  Would he try to get on the elevator and follow me to my room?  I imagined a knock on the door and hearing, “Room Service.”  (Anyone remember the Land Shark skit on Saturday Night Live?)  Would he try to get into my suitcase and follow me home?

I know, I know.  We were actually kidding and laughing at the thought of his trying to get on the elevator but I was scared of him.

Do I need some sort of therapy?  I don’t think so.  Just keep those creepy crawlies away from me and I'll be fine.