Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Does that movie get a thumbs up or down?

A few years ago, Angry worked for a sub-contractor to Time Warner Cable.  He was the warehouse guy who took care of handing out equipment to the techs that installed at peoples’ homes.

If someone was fired, he would collect equipment from their truck to inventory and return to the warehouse.

A supervisor for the technicians was fired one afternoon and Angry went to work on his truck.  As he cleaned out and inventoried stuff, he discovered something that was not a regulation piece of equipment.  Tucked under the driver’s seat was an X-rated DVD.  Angry would normally just toss something like that in the trash but this one was a bit unusual.

It was MIDGET PORN.  And yes, while midget may not be the PC way to say “small people” those were the words on the cover.  MIDGET PORN.  I realize that if you are a vertically challenged person this may be a type of porn you'd like to watch.  Angry's company did not employ any small people so this seemed to be a fetish of some sort.  If it wasn't a fetish, the supervisor shouldn't have left his DVD behind for everyone to assume it was!

Instead of tossing it out, Angry brought the DVD to his supervisor.  He wanted everyone in the office to see it and discuss make fun of the guy who was “into” that.  Everyone giggled like school girls for a few minutes and went back to work.

A week or so later, one of the techs said he had heard a rumor about the DVD and wanted to see if it was real.  It had quickly become a legend!  When they went to find it in the office, it was gone.  Angry knew it wasn't thrown out because he emptied the garbage cans for the office every night before he left work.  That DVD was never in there.

It seems that someone else had a midget porn fetish and the DVD went to a good home.  I hope that they had an understanding like-minded wife or girlfriend and the movie (and whoopee time after) was enjoyed!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Totally distracting!

Let me tell you a another story about my friend Judy (A.K.A. Pancake Judy).

I’ve already told you how we met in 9th grade and I hope she forgives me for telling you this.

Judy is very lucky and has beautiful, naturally curly hair.  Most women would pay a lot of money to have hair like hers.

When I met her, she wore her hair just like Roseanne Rosannadanna.  You remember that character from Saturday Night Live don’t you?  She was played by Gilda Radner and had hair that looked like a triangle.  Or, maybe it was a trapezoid?  Go ahead and Google that; I had to.  I'm not sure which but I felt like it was a triangle so that's the story I'm sticking to.

Maybe Judy just didn’t know how to handle that great hair as a young lady.  Every day she’d put a barrette on each side of her head and mash that section down.  Every. Single. Day.  The result was a perfect triangle of hair.  When I sat behind her in 9th grade English, I was very distracted by this.  I’d wonder how it got into that triangle shape and stayed there.  It was hard to concentrate on class with that thought racing through my head.

Not really Judy but you can see how distracting this hair would be. Right?

I asked begged her to let me see her without the barrettes.  She refused.  I continued to beg; she refused.  This scene played over and over.  I wondered and wondered how that hair would look once it sprung from those damn barrettes!  A circle?  A square?  A parallelogram? 

One day she got her haircut and let those curls loose.  She’s had the most beautiful, non-triangular hair ever since.

Now that I look back, I wonder why I never got to see that hair without those barrettes.  What DID it look like?  It still haunts me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bum Fight?!

Angry and I were in Seattle a couple of weeks ago for my Step-Brother’s wedding.  We decided to stay a few extra days and do all the touristy things.

We stayed in a hotel quite far from the major tourist areas but they ran a shuttle for their guests to get to those areas.  You’d call them when you were ready to be picked up and they’d come get you too.  It was a great system and we took advantage of it.

If you are hanging around the Pike Place Market / Waterfront area after 10 pm, the bars and restaurants close and you are stuck with nothing to do.  While there are still a few people walking around taking pictures and checking things out, it’s pretty deserted.

We were spending a day around the Waterfront area doing the typical tourist things like taking pictures, visiting the sites, and shopping for cheap t-shirts and souvenir junk.  We hit a few restaurants along the way for GREAT seafood and when everything closed at 10 pm we headed back to Pike Place Market and made our call to get picked up by the hotel shuttle.

While waiting for the shuttle, I saw something I’d never seen before.  Never.

Two homeless people beggars bums (IS there a PC way to say this?) were pushing and shoving each other.  A short argument went like this (yes, I took notes on my phone for bloggy goodness):

BUM ONE:  You better get the hell out of my territory! You ain't movin' in on my territory!

BUM TWO:  Stop yelling; you’re intimidating all the white people.

What?  Did I hear that right?  Angry confirmed that yes indeed, I had heard that correctly.  Bums have territories!  And oh, they didn't want to intimidate the white people.

As two of only a few (nearby) white people, we weren’t worried.  A bit confused maybe but not intimidated.  We figured they’d take each other out before they got close enough to us to do any harm.

We missed the rest of the fight as our shuttle arrived.

I’ll have to assume that all the frightened white people ran for their lives and the territory issue was eventually resolved!!