Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mother Nature don't care!

Angry and I were in Mexico (I know, again!) in November and it was raining the day we were leaving.  This is rare since rainy season ends in October.

We were at breakfast that morning and while I was in line at the buffet I overheard a conversation:

Mad Lady:  "I've been coming to Puerto Vallarta this time of year for 22 years.  It's never rained in all those years."

Sympathetic Lady:  "I know.  We've never see rain like this either.  It's strange."

ML:  "I don't know what I'm going to do today.  What am I supposed to do when it rains?"

SL:  "It's still warm so you could do some walking on the beach.  Just wear your swim suit so then it doesn't matter if you get wet.  Or, head into town and shop in the flea market.  That's a covered building."

ML (on the verge of shouting):  "Well, I don't like this.  I don't like it ONE BIT."

SL:  Silence and blank stare.

Hey Mad Lady?  Get over it.  Mother Nature don't care. 


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Such a Predicament

I purchased a "Plastic Package Opener" on the Interwebs last week.

You know those hard core packages that everything comes in?  You can't get them open to save your life and you almost always cut you finger(s) on the sharp edges.

I saw this thing and thought, "Genius!  A must have."  I think I may have also spoken those words out loud as I was truly impressed (and I talk to myself way too much).

It arrived on my doorstep this weekend and when I opened it, I was shocked.  Shocked I tell you.

It's packed in one of those plastic packages!  How the hell am I supposed to get that thing out of there without using that thing?

The package designer was obviously out sick the day this was invented.

I'm still thinking about it as it sits on my kitchen cupboard.  Wish me luck.



Monday, September 30, 2013

Do you want a piece of tail?

No, no, no.  It's not what you are thinking.  Get your dirty minds out of the gutter people!!

Somehow, Angry and I got into a discussion about eating a mouse.  I think beer was involved because, really, who even THINKS about eating a mouse?

The question came up, "Would you rather eat a mouse's tail or his legs?"

I'd eat the legs.  They have bones but you could crunch them up quick and swallow.  But, they are small so there isn't much meat.  I'm assuming that if I'm eating a mouse I'm in desperate need of sustenance.  No?

Angry said he wanted some tail.  Oh yeah, some tail!  His reasoning?  He thought he'd be able to slurp it down like a piece of spaghetti.  It'd go quickly and there's no crunchy bones to deal with.  Those bones, he figured, could get caught in your throat.  Choking on a mouse leg isn't a great way to meet your maker.

Bon app├ętit!





Friday, September 6, 2013

An unintended insult.

I wanted to tell Angry that he was "S-O-L" ("shit out of luck" for those of you that speak in entire words!) about something.
 
What came out of my mouth was "You are S-L-O." 
 
Hmmmm. . . He wasn't too fond of being called slow!
 
I guess if you're going to insult someone it's best to do it by mistake.
 
 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Mumbles or Bad Ears?

I mishear Angry quite often.

I think he mumbles.  He says I have "bad ears."

Due to his mumbling, we've had some interesting conversations.


We were watching a basketball game:

Angry:  The hamster's ready to date.

ME:  What?

Angry:  I said that the score's been stuck on 38.

Me:  I was wondering how you'd know anything about a hamster's love life.



We were chatting about how old and decrepit I was feeling one day:

Angry:  If you were a whore, I'd send you to the glue factory.

Me:  I'm a whore?

Angry:  If you were a HORSE, I'd send you to the glue factory.

Me:  Either way, that's not nice. 


He better stop mumbling because I'm not buying hearing aids (even though I'm about ready for the glue factory!).


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Angry's Rules

Angry makes up his own rules.  Especially when driving.

One day, we were sitting in the left turn lane of a very busy intersection.  We were not out in the street; we were still behind the crosswalk. 

Our light turned red and he pulled out and turned!

Being a professional back seat driver I screamed said, "What the hell are you doing?  You just ran a red light!"

His answer?  "I didn't break the law.  Nobody beeped at me."

This is the word of Angry.  Amen.



Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Wha?

Angry and I visited our zoo last Sunday.

While hanging out with the Grizzly Bears at the Grizzly Bear exhibit, I overhead this conversation:

Woman Reading Sign About Grizzly Bears:  “I just don’t get it.”

Friend Who Looked Confused:  “Don’t get what?”

WRSAGB:  “Why they are so fat?”

FWLC:  “Wha?”

WRSAGB:  “They eat healthy stuff.  You know, like Elks and animals and stuff.”

FWLC:  “Wha?”

WRSAGB:  “How do they get so faaaaat when they eat such healthy food?  If you eat healthy, you shouldn’t get fat.”

 
They are BEARS!  Bears!  They aren’t fat.  They're bears!  Bears are big huge animals!  While I wanted to scream that out loud, I quietly said it to Angry instead.  He laughed so hard I thought he was going to pee his pants.

Hey, watch it! I'm not fat. I'm fluffy.

I hope this woman isn't a nutritionist.  I wouldn't want to be told to eat healthy foods like "animals and stuff."

Just remember, don’t tell a bear that he’s fat.  He may just eat you out of anger.
 
 
 

Friday, August 2, 2013

How creative!

I had the radio on while I was driving home from work yesterday.  An ad came on and for some reason it caught my attention so I listened instead of changing the channel.

While the 'announcer' was talking I heard, "It feels so real that it feels real."

Well now, that was creative wasn't it?

It's time they hire a new advertising agency.

I think my cat could have some up with a better line than that!


I can write better ad copy than you can.  Nan na na na boo boo!





Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Uncool at the pool.

We were at our favorite resort in Puerto Vallarta Mexico over Memorial Day week.  Yes, I took a week away from my project at work.  I had reached a point where I was going to start punching people (hard!).  We all agreed that if I didn’t leave I would probably have a mental breakdown.  So off we went.

One day while sitting at the pool, we noticed two guys with a pair of binoculars.  We didn’t think twice about it since they could get some views of the gorgeous birds flying around and maybe spot some dolphins Oceanside.

But. . . They were looking at women who were AT THE POOL.  What?  They were sitting on the opposite side of the pool from the bar.  Every woman that walked by to get a drink got the binoculars pointed at her boobs and her ass.  From about 100 feet away!  Heaven forbid that someone bent or leaned over.  Those guys got a close up of a lot of cleavage.  They didn't keep it a secret either.  They passed the binocs back and forth looked at whatever caught their fancy.  Binoculars at 100 feet?  Really?

As we watched what they were watching (does that make us as bad as them?), we noticed that they’d point the binocs towards the hotel windows.  Maybe hoping for someone who forgot to close their curtains?  I wonder if they got lucky.

I do realize that when you have a bunch of people in swimsuits (especially bikinis) you will have eyes roaming to their bodies.  But, the “normal” crowd is wearing sunglasses and no one really knows where those eyes are pointed.  With the binoculars, there was no question what they were looking at.

Bird Watchers or Girl Stalkers?

Cruisers, Boozers, or just Losers?
 
You decide!
 
 
 

 

Monday, June 3, 2013

New Posts Coming Soon - I PROMISE!

I know I've been gone forever.  I'm sure no one comes to read this blog anymore.

My project that was supposed to end in January is still going strong.

I did take a vacation to Mexico last week (I was going to punch some body's lights out if I didn't leave).  I've got a couple of good things to write about from my trip.

I'll get to it ASAP!!  I swear.

Meanwhile, here's some birds you can see in Puerto Vallarta:



A Pelican.  They are graceful for their size.  It's fun to watch them dive into the water and come up with fish.

A Frigatebird.  We LOVE these.  They look so prehistoric.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I'M STILL HERE! I'M STILL HERE!!!

I know I don't have a lot of "regular" readers but wanted to let those of you who do click here that I'm still alive and hoping to blog soon.

No, I didn't get hauled in by the FBI like I thought I was going to.

My "it's going to end in January" project is still going on and I'm busy as hell. 

I've got a big list of stuff to blog about and it is killing me to not have the time (or energy).

I'll see you soon; I promise!!

Meanwhile, here's some cute animals:

Best buddies?

He looks like he's been naughty!!

Who doesn't like some pigs that are all dressed up?

I have no clue what this is (Hamster?) but the frog hat is da bomb!


 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

My blogging career is going to end soon!

I received an e-mail today and the Subject line read:

FBI HAVE A WARRANT TO ARREST YOU GET BACK TO US FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

I thought, "Oh crap, what did I do now?"  Then I thought, "Since I'll be arrested soon, I won't be blogging ever again."  Do you think they allow blogging in prison?  I'm sure that would be a hotbed for blog topics.

Maybe you'd like to take a look at the FBI's e-mail.  That way, you'll know what happened to me.  It's sort of a long read but stick with me.  I may need character witnesses at my trial.

To enhance your reading pleasure (is that even possible?), check out what I bolded and my notes (in red).  I found just a couple of a zillion errors that I thought were a bit funny.  I didn't note every error, just the craziest dumbest silliest ones that appealed to me.  Don't get me wrong, I make plenty of error when I'm writing.  They just aren't quite this idiotic.  I'm not critiquing any spelling though.  I suck at spelling so I can't pick on anyone else for the same.


Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C
. I think the FBI would capitalize their own acronym.  No


Attention, this is the final warning you are going to receive from me do you get me?  "Do you get me?"  Who says that in an 'official' letter?

I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you?.  If they meant "you are" they forgot an apostrophe.  And whoops!  Correct punctuation is essential when writing a letter don't you think?  A question mark would have been sufficient at the end of that sentence.  The period is overdoing it.

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any private organization.  Holy shit!  I had to bold the entire paragraph.  There is just too much going on here.  Can you say "run on sentences?"  How about that punctuation?  The Mayor of my city can't access my bank accounts either.  FBI isn't capitalized at all (not even the F or the B as before).

Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to insetyou in their website as an internet fraudsters* and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the certificate signed, endorsed and stamped as you where** instructed in the e-mail below.this*** is the federal bureau of investigation (fbi)^ am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us^^ and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given from the 3rd of January. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself^^^ at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated.

*The FBI seems to like to use plurals when not necessary.  I’m not a fraudsters. There’s only one of me, thank you very much.  Although, this blog could be a "fraud."
**They should have used "were" instead of "where."  Getting verbs versus places correct is critical.
***Punctuation (again!), spacing, and capitalization are sort of important.  No?
^I'm totally giving up on this capitalization of FBI error as of now.  It's just too exhausting.
^^Hmmm. . . Unless my cat is sending e-mails on my behalf that I'm unaware of, I have never sent an e-mail to the FBI.  Wait. . . You don't need opposable thumbs to turn on a laptop.  You technically don't need them to type either.  What is she doing while I'm at work?
^^^I won't blame myself since I didn't do anything illegal that they know of.  
Don't ask and I won't tell.

You failed to comply with our directives and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the fbi director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now if you id is placed on our website as a wanted person, i believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the fbi. As a good Christian and a honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the efcc and they directed me to a private attorney who could help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse, sign and stamp the document at the sum of $98.00 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.  So, I'm a 'wanted' person because I didn't know my name was used for some deal?  That seems a bit unusual doesn't it?  I'm starting to think something isn't quite right.

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd. There seems to be a problem with run on sentences today doesn't there? Lots of other issues here as well but I'm getting tired now.

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till 3/5/2013 so that you could get this process done because ilearnt that you were sent several e-mail without getting a response from you, please bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it has befall on you. Grammar! Please!

You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.
NAME: AKU DIMMA ADDRESS: LAGOS NIGERIA Nigeria? The FBI wants money in Nigeria? I know there are a lot of poor underprivileged people there. Will this help?
TEXT QUESTION:FORANSWER: YOU
AMOUNT: $98 What? $98 and I'm a free woman? Cool!

Send the payment details to me which are senders name and address, mtcn number, text question and answer used and the amount sent. Make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 usd which was suppose to have been transferred to you all this while. Wait just one minute. I'm going to be arrested because I was supposed to GET money? That makes perfect sense doesn't it? I think I'm finally catching on here.

Note/ all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking* charges, so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched** THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. Now they are yelling at me in all caps! I. AM. NOT. SCARED.

*Where did THIS come from? Drugs too? I thought this was about money. The e-mail came from the "Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division." Do they do drugs too? HA!
**Am I BEING watched or have I BEEN watched? Does that black van that's been outside my house for months on end have anything to do with this? Where’s the period at the end of that sentence? I have soooo many questions!

ROBERT MUELLER Does Mr. Mueller not have a title? Special Agent maybe?
WASHINGTON DC That makes it official right?

Now that I understand that I need to send a mere $98 to the FBI to receive $10,500,000 I'm all for it!! I'll let you know what the first thing I buy with my millions is.

If you see any errors that 'appeal' to you, comment and point them out.  Let's all have an even bigger laugh!!

I guess my blogging career isn't quite over yet is it?
 
 

Friday, March 1, 2013

SOMEBODY had a great Valentine's Day!

Angry and I hung out at our local bar/grill for Valentine’s Day.  We don’t need anything fancy.  Our thought was, “Let’s go where the food's good, we are regulars, and we love the staff!”  So off we went.

Our bartender (we’ll call her “N” because the names of the innocent have to be changed) came over to us during the evening and said (while pointing to the other end of the bar), “I have to tell you something and I’ve been waiting for that guy to leave!”

Here’s how the conversation went:

Bartender N:  Did you see that guy over at the end of the bar with the “to go” order?

ME:  He was the one drinking wine right?

BN:  He had quite a few and was quite chatty.

Angry:  Did he proposition you?  Should I follow him and kick his ass? (That's why we call him Angry!)

BN:  No!  But . . . he asked me if you guys were a couple.

A (giggling):  Oh man, some guy’s giving googie eyes to my wife on Valentine’s Day.

BN:  I told him that yes, you were married.  And then he said to me, “Too bad because he's so yummy!”

ME & A & BN:  LAUGHTER AND SNORTING! 

We found it so funny because we had all assumed that he was looking at me.  Cripes, Angry was going to kick his ass for propositioning N.  And, even though he was giggling, he was wondering if some guy was "eyeing" me up on Valentine's Day.  Wrong answer!

ME:  What?  Not me?  ANGRY'S the yummy one?  That’s awesome!

A:  I don’t think I’ve ever been called yummy until today.  I have to admit that I’m quite flattered.

ME:  And I'm a bit jealous.

Ever since, I’ve been randomly saying “Yummy!” in a deep, male sounding voice during completely inappropriate times.  It’s fun!


Thursday, February 28, 2013

And the "eyes" have it!

I dozed off on the couch last night (working WAY too many hours and not sleeping well). 

You may be asking yourself, "Why is she telling me this?"

Well . . . I woke up around 10:30 pm and realized that I should be sleeping in my bed (next to an alarm clock).  I just ran off to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth. 

You may be asking yourself (again!), "Why is she telling me this?"

Well. . . When I got up this morning and went into the bathroom, this is what greeted me in the mirror!

Look at the smeared makeup only. Do NOT look at the wrinkles!

Yikes!  It looks like I was in a bar fight last night and got a good ass whopping.  Black eyes?  Yes please.  Although, that may have been more fun than sleeping on the couch.  No?
 
Luckily I have some great makeup remover and soap.  I was all back to normal in a few minutes.  If I have to have a black eye (or two), that's the kind I want.
 
 

 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Eff you menopause!

I was getting ready for work today and having a hot flash.

Hey, hot flashes?  You can go straight to hell.

Anyway, try putting on a bra when your body is slick with sweat (sorry to my male readers as that's TMI).  And, putting on makeup with a sweaty face is impossible!

As I opened the back door to leave for work, the cold air felt heavenly on my overheated body.

But I started to wondering about something. . .

My temp was 500,000° (I didn't need a thermometer, I could just tell) which is slightly over the normal temp of  98.6°.  I felt like I would self-combust at any moment.

I walked outside and the temperature was 0°.

Could I catch a cold (sweaty, wet body into freezing air)?  Could my heart stop from the sudden temperature change?

One question was answered.  I'm still here so I didn't have a heart attack.

Right now I just want to say, "Fuck you menopause."







Saturday, January 12, 2013